Keeping Your Marriage Real, Fun and Hot!

Beck and I did something a bit different on Sunday for the message. We did it together and we both loved the conversational approach.  Several people have asked for our notes so here’s a condensed version.  You can get the  audio of the message here.

God’s plan is for your marriage to be fun, healthy, close and a source of strength and life to you.  Marriage is hard work sometimes but when we push through, talk it out, sort it out, we get closer and life together gets better… and hotter!

We’ll talk about 3 areas of marriage (2 of which apply to all relationships) which are talking, living together and sex. (NB. This will be a long blog!)

1.  TALK

Read James 3:5-9 (The Message).

Good, healthy communication is foundational to a healthy marriage.  This means being open, honest, sensitive and truthful.  Don’t make your partner guess what’s wrong.  Tell them! Us guys are especially clueless when it comes to guessing what’s really wrong. Don’t assume they know… tell them!

Ephesians 4:15 talks about speaking the truth in love.  Truth is essential but unless it’s undergirded by love it can come across harshly and only distance you further.

A bad attitude undermines any forward progress.  It’s like when your car needs a wheel alignment.  You can fix everything else but unless you get the wheels aligned your car is going to keep pulling to one side and the tyres are going to wear more quickly.  Translation? A bad attitude wears on the relationship even if you’re working on everything else.

A negative attitude tells of unresolved bitterness, unforgiveness or unspoken expectations.  We need to train ourselves to work through issues properly, speak in love and be life-giving during the process.

Barrack for each other.  We need to be our spouse’s greatest encourager, and supporter.

Talk about your future, dreams, plans, etc.  Your future needs to mesh!  Best way to make that happen is to talk about it.

2.  LIVE

Ecclesiastes 9:9 – “Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love…”

Grace (unmerited favour) for each other is favour when the other person doesn’t deserve it.  A bad day/moment/week can be shrugged off if the other has grace for it. Not everything is a personal attack (i.e. the coffee cup which never seems to make it to the sink).

A bad experience doesn’t need to shake the relationship.  Think of the context of your relationship, your history together, the wider, broader understanding of what you share together. Learn to think CONTEXT.

Learn to think THEM first.  Have a general attitude towards putting your spouse first.  Learn what they like and integrate their preferences into your world too.

Have reasonable expectations for each other.  It’s ok to be wrong too. Compromise and flexibility in marriage is key! Talk about what you expect, don’t leave them guessing!

Teamwork in everything… budgeting, housework, kids, schedules, etc.  Being considerate means asking if ‘going out with the boys’ suits.  It’s not under the thumb, it’s just the right thing to do.

Regular timeout.  Life gets chaotic quickly.  Have regular date nights where you do dinner and a movie or read magazines on the lounge and each chocolate. Do something together and regularly.

3. SEX

Song of Songs 5:1b – “Eat, O friends and drink; drink your fill, O lovers.”

Rick Warren said on twitter recently, ‘Without fun and sex marriage is just a business arrangement.’

Sex is a gift from God to be used in the context of marriage to have fun and enjoy each other in creative, fun and intimate ways.  It’s fun, enjoyable and brings a couple close but because of it’s power it can be a source of division too.  It’s essential that it’s an ongoing conversation in your marriage, that the both of you are dialoguing about it regularly.

Communicate and often.  Be open even when it’s awkward.  Be sensitive but honest.  Talk things through. Be committed to sorting it out and not sweeping it under the carpet.  You’ll find new levels of closeness and fun if you do!

Men and women are different.  In general women warm up slowly and men are ready in a heartbeat.  Women become aroused when the temperature of the whole relationship is warm.  Men can get turned on when they see a little bit of extra leg!  It’s essential to communicate with your spouse how it works for you as every person is different.

Educate yourself!  We have stacks of books on marriage and sex and we keep buying more.  The more informed you are about how you work and your spouse works, the more you think sex and understand sex the better opportunity you’ll have in enjoying an ongoing great sexual relationship.

Read Song of Songs together and laugh!  Even write your own sexual poetry for each other.  Guaranteed to put a smile on your faces.

Thoughts on Gaming #4 – Adventure

Why do we do it?  On my previous posts we have discussed our need to win at something, to ‘level up’ somewhere and control the dynamics of what’s going on.

I’ve also been thinking about our need for adventure. ‘Wild At Heart’ a book by John Eldridge talks about this in detail.  A quote from his website:

There is something fierce, passionate, and wild in the heart of every man. That is how he bears the image of God. And the reason most men "live lives of quiet desperation" (Thoreau) is because men have been told that the reason God put them on earth is to be a good boy. To be nice. But every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.

So many of the big games are tailored to meet this deep need in every male. Think COD series, Battlefield series (anything warlike for that matter), FarCry and CounterStrike, not to mention Warcraft series (esp WOW), Star Wars stuff, Lego stuff… the list is practically endless!

I have to admit, this comes into why I play games.  I look forward to my next bout of CS or BF2 as it meets a part of this part of me.

But what aren’t we doing in real life because we’re being satisfied by this virtual adventure?  To what degree is virtual adventure ok and what degree is it substitutional to the real thing?!?

Thoughts on Gaming #3 – The Next Level

One aspect of gaming that keeps me coming back is the next level. ‘Levelling up’ is a huge deal in gaming, drawing the gamer back time after time and keeping him/her at the game for longer.  The thought of being better, increasing our characters traits, getting better weapons or being able to beat the other guy just that little bit more feels so good.  It doesn’t matter if you’re playing a First-Person Shooter (FPS) like Unreal Tournament, a Real Time Strategy (RTS) like Railroad Tycoon, or a game like GTA, The Sims, Spore, Supreme Commander or Tetris… the levelling up is what keeps us from going to bed.  As Civilisation players say, ‘Just… one… more… turn…’

Of course I’m concerned about this being the only levelling up we ever do in life.  Other forms of levelling up include going deeper in relationship with others, finding new releases of freedom in your life, hearing God’s voice better, getting a revelation which brings you into transformation, loving your wife and kids better and receiving new depth with them.  There are so many more you might be able to think of.

My question is how do we remove ourselves from the draw of the game and focus on levelling up (or flourishing/prospering) in life a little more?  How can we help gamers that we know do the same?

Thoughts on Gaming #2 – Choices

Life is about choices. We choose what we do with our time, money, food intake, etc.  Gaming is a choice we make because it feeds a part of us and makes us feel good.

Sometimes our choices prevent other things from happening.  Choosing to game instead of spending time with your wife and/or kids for example can have calamitous effects.  When Beck and I first got married, I’d game several hours a day if I could.  On Saturdays I’d get up early to game.  My spiritual life wasn’t moving but I was getting really REALLY good at Civilisation, Counter Strike and Warcraft etc.  My choices weren’t advancing me… they were sending me backwards… with God… my wife… my dreams and passions.  My life was being wasted by my habit.  I was getting lots of little, insignificant ‘wins’ but I wasn’t winning in life.

I regret those times but not the lessons I’ve learned about what is truly valuable.  These days I still want to game and sit at my laptop but not as much… and my life is better balanced with spiritual input and my family.

What attracts you to computer/console games? What draws you to your computer?

Thoughts About Gaming #1 – Need to Win

What does gaming accomplish for you? For me, it forms part of my down time, my time of brain-numbing activity which helps me to relax and chill out.

But apart from it’s potential relaxing qualities what does it actually accomplish?  In my opinion?  Nothing.  It can draw huge amounts of time when we get ‘lost’ in the game, it adds nothing to us spiritually, emotionally, relationally, physically (probably a negative in this one!) or mentally.

Why do we do it? I think it’s because we have a deep desire to win at something and this is an easy option.  Is life too hard for us?  Sometimes yeah… so sitting in front of our computer or console ripping up bad guys or beating the AI at strategy feels good.  We like to win, we like to feel good and I think gaming gives us an easy way to do it.

What sucks is when gaming (or any computer activity) draws important time from relationships and spiritual input.  I still game but it’s in balance with my life (or continues to move towards greater balance!).  I put time into my marriage, family, friends, ministry, other hobbies too.

What do you think?  What does gaming accomplish for you?  Do you spend too much time doing it?  How can you get on top of it… for good?

Church Copycats

Church Marketing Sucks is a ministry which seeks to frustrate, educate and motivate the church to do marketing better and further God’s cause with clarity and purpose.  I love following their blog and learning from it.

Their post Church Copycats (notice I’ve copied the title for emphasis!) explains a few current Christian mistakes that continue to mimic the world’s successes.  For example GodTube and now Godwitter.  I’m not even going to link you to them because the concept is so ridiculous!!!

Why do we feel it necessary to create Christian versions of secular successes?  Even when I was a teenager I thought it was cool to wear a ripoff Guns ‘N’ Roses T-shirt that said, ‘God N Moses, Appetite for Devotion’. Sad I know… but what is the point?!

Some questions to ask:  Does this further the cause of Christ?  Is it relevant to the world?  Will people move closer to a real relationship with God and eternal salvation because of it?

The other thing is stealing.  Stealing is bad.  We need our own ideas, websites crafted around our values, culture and vision, marketing that is unique and clever.

And we (the Church, each local church, every ministry, parachurch ministry etc) MUST respect copyright.  No stealing pictures, websites, logos, code, advertising etc unless you have the express permission of the owner.  I’ve used stuff from deviantart before but gotten permission to use it.  If you can’t afford it, raise money for it or start budgetting for it.  No stealing!

Let’s contribute to the world with real creativity, bright, colourful, ultra-relevant advertising, websites, ideas and marketing.  Lets infuse it with a love so powerful people will be attracted to whatever we’re doing.  Let’s honour the civil law (Rom 13) and copyright too.  Let’s be creative!  God’s first words created.  We’re in His image, lets create too.

Church – The Optional Essential

Psalm 52:8 – But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the House of God.

Church seems to be the optional essential.  Many people feel it’s optional, they go when it suits, when they haven’t got something else on, when there’s no better offer.  Because we are in a grace based church culture there’s no ‘law’ on going to church.  It’s optional depending on if you had a party the night before or a late night, or couldn’t sleep.  It depends on if you had a big week, got to see your family much over the previous week or got enough time with your partner.

God doesn’t see His House that way.  To Him it’s the Essential.  One can’t flourish unless one is planted in His House.  One can’t connect with others doing the same life unless they are connected to their church.   We can’t live a life of life, truth, power, God’s presence, revelation unless we’re plugged in.

So church has become the Optional Essential.  Optional for some, essential for others.  Those who flourish are those planted (Psalm 92) it’s as simple as that.  If you want your life to flourish, you MUST be planted in the House of God.

Make the choice.  Be in the House.
Every week.  Make it essential.
Not optional.

Defiance Movie – Can’t Wait

Here’s a movie I can’t wait to see.  Defiance starring Daniel Craig, Liev Schreiber and Jamie Bell.  See here for more details.

14 Hours of Family Hilarity

Since 8pm last night we’ve had a few interesting events happen in our family which I’m sure you’ll enjoy hearing about!

Last night at around 8pm Ethan came out covered… no, caked in flour.  His eyes were pretty much the only thing not touched by the fine white layer over his body.  I was about to take photos then he started crying… something about there being white stuff everywhere.

He had a quick shower then I started vacuuming his bed… also caked in flour with several large deposits.  Then I found the toy… a small movable, shapable balloon with eyes and hair which had previously been filled with flour!  I bought one each for the boys in Jakarta when I was there last year.  Clearly they don’t last very long!

Then at 2am Beck got up as she could hear running water.  I soon heard, ‘Darren? Can you come here?’  I got up quickly then found the source of the problem.  A hose underneath our vanity in the bathroom had split rather badly and heated water was gushing everywhere!  Fortunately the bathroom tilts slightly so the river ran straight into the shower!!  I turned the water off at the mains and called a plumber asap this morning!  $50 and we’re on our way.

Oh, plus there was a rat incident this morning too… Zeus has decided that the bin out the back is a useful source of entertainment and has tossed the garbage all over the back area.  FUN!

What funny things have happened to you recently?!

2009 – Good or Bad?

I LOVE the start of a new year. It feels so refreshing… so much like a new beginning. In all realness though we get a new beginning every day which is exceedingly cool… something we should probably think about a bit more.

Is 2009 going to be your best year or not?  That’s the question.  And really it’s not a questions of positivism or wishful thinking but a question of faith.  Do you believe that God is inherently good or that he’s got a mean streak and you always seem to cop it somehow?  How you view God will directly impact how much faith you can have about a thing… anything really.

Faith is like a mirror which allows you to see the possibilities of the Kingdom of God at work in your life.  If you’re sick, faith looks and sees the power of the Kingdom of God bringing healing to your body.  Prayer and constant faith bring that possibility into your present reality.

But if you have misconceptions about who God is, if you think he’s a happiness sucker or a dissappointment giver then that’s going to skew your faith mirror and you’re only going to see a blurred picture of what God wants for you.  Faith exists in the revealed will of God.  So get your view of God right and you’ll see more of what God wants for you.

And then 2009 is going to be your best year yet!